Monday, July 15, 2013

True Blood Recap: Fuck the Pain Away

This episode had periods of genius and periods of re-done drama more stale than a watered down O-Negative True Blood.

So, when the episode opens, Creepy Hot Guy Ben is confirmed as Way Too Intense Warlow. We'll call him Warlow for short. Instead of immediately killing the  creature that she thinks killed her parents and scores of fae over the centuries, Sookie has a "me" moment (surprise) and takes the time to ream Warlow out-and vampires in general- because she is Sookie Stackhouse and these bratty episodes of her are appealing? and par for the course.

But I love you, Sookie!

When Sookie asks him why he thought it was cool to kill her parents since he is all in love with her, Warlow reveals to her that he saved her life-her parents were actually trying to kill her. She basically tells him to fuck off, but then Bill shows up. Since Bill is mostly Lillith, he uses those old Maker tricks to command Warlow to accompany him home.

Back at home, Jessica is still coming to terms with her homicidal rampage and the high associated with fae blood. Andy gets to the house and sees all of his daughters laid out, dead. Except, wait! There is one still alive, barely! He takes her from the house, feeds her from an old vial of V, and she starts coming around.

The Gov (Truman) and Sarah are having a little tiff. She came over in her best black lingerie to get a ring and a baby from Truman, and he is still obsessing over his newly vampire daughter. What a loser! So, Sarah picks up her toys, goes to Jason's house, and fucks him- because that's what God told her to do!

However, Jessica shows up at Jason's house and Sarah doesn't appreciate Jason dipping his wick into vampires, so, kind of cat fight?

Sarah wins that fight because she had Jessica arrested and sent to vampire camp. Pam was arrested last week, so Tara and Eric got themselves arrested to rescue her. It's a regular party! 

As Pam is adjusting to prison/vampire camp, she end up getting chatty during a therapy session with a shrink. Pam is smart,  but so is he. Also, he has a snack!

Alcide is still being a dick, and still looking for Sam and crew. His father calls him out on it, and asks if his motives are for the pack or for that "piece of ass." Alcide tells him if he doesn't like the way he runs things, he can leave the pack. His father points out he never joined the pack. So there! And, can I get some cash, I'm running low.

Nicole wakes up with a case of the morning-afters, and laments discovering what it really means to be a shifter. However, she is still living in a dream world, since she attempts to contact her parents. Sam tells her she  has to leave her old life behind. As they argue in front of a payphone, Alcide's father comes out of his motel room across the way and spots them. He has a naked chick in his room, so...priorities.

Terry calls in an old sharpshooter friend. Terry wants to hire this friend to murder him. 
Psst. Arlene doesn't know.

Billith and Warlow are not getting along. Since Jessica attacked the Fae Four, Bill has been harvesting Warlow's blood and we get to see a little background on ole Warlow. Lilith and her merkin discover Warlow one night down by the river. She walks up to him, naked as usual, and after smelling him, hops up on his waist and copulates in probably the fastest TB sex scene ever. She turns Warlow into a vampire and despite her warnings not to return to his people, he does, and accidentally slaughters them. Little toddler Niall was the only survivor.

In the end, Warlow and his dimples hold Bill's scientist hostage.

Finally we get back to Sookie and my fave, LaLa! Sookie struts into Merlotte's grill, and Lafayette is like, "Bitch, I know you aren't here to work, so what's up?" Turns out, she wants LaLa to perform a seance to see if Warlow was telling the truth about her parents.
Yaaaaas! This look is everything.
So they perform the seance and she finds out he was telling the truth! Warlow went to her parents and told them his plans for Sookie, and how he would make her immortal. How he loved her and would make her a princess since he was a prince. Her father wasn't feeling that shit at all, and decided he would rather kill Sookie than sign her over to Warlow. (I mean, he already had a son, and this girl was weird anyway.)

During the seance, Sook's father jumped into LaLa's body (he really needs to find a way to repel that!) and decides to repeat history by taking Sookie to the lake and drowning her.


Also, Jason signs up to be a guard at vamp camp to save Jessica. It's like Fellowship of the Sun all over, except Jason loves vamps this time!

See y'all next week.

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